


You Can't Save Everyone

by Aviena



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post-Endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 19:11:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6578935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aviena/pseuds/Aviena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“There was nothing else you could have done.”<br/>She didn’t believe him. Not yet. But time went on, and his words slowly started to seem less and less like a lie.</p><p>---</p><p>Post-game wrap up. Yes, this was mostly to make myself feel better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can't Save Everyone

They spent two weeks trapped on Eden Prime, and they were the toughest of Kaidan’s life. Worse than the hazing period out at Jump Zero, and when the Normandy was stuck in dry dock after Virmire; even worse than the weeks after the SR-1 was blasted apart above Alchera. Kaidan was an old soldier. He’d done a lot of grieving. He knew that it was different for everybody – but he also knew that _he_ dealt with pain by keeping busy. That and a steady supply of cheap lager.

But this time he was confined to a hospital bed, and there was no beer in sight. He remembered trying to shove Garrus off him as the turian dragged him back aboard the Normandy and down to the medical bay. He remembered insisting that he was fine, demanding they take him to the CIC even as Doctor Chakwas readied a syringe. He remembered _begging_ as she advanced on him. He’d lost too much blood to even erect a barrier.

_No, I have to stay awake. I have to be here for her. Please, don’t, I have to –_

And then he’d woken up, pumped full of artificial blood products and groggy from the sedatives. Doctor Chakwas was at her desk, pale and shaking. The sounds of battle and death were gone. So was the dull hum of the Normandy’s engines.

“What happened?” he asked Chakwas. She’d refused to answer. He’d asked EDI, then, and got only silence in response. So Kaidan limped out of the medbay, still leaning on the bulkheads for support, until he found a crewman and seized him by the collar. “What happened?”

He’d retreated to the medbay and remained without argument. He couldn’t remember the words the man had used anymore. Two weeks had washed it away. All remained was that heavy mass sitting low in his chest and an invisible hand around his throat. So many things had changed. Tali, Garrus, the others – they were all scurrying about, dealing with a million tiny crises, struggling to get the Normandy operational again. EDI wasn’t around to help.

Eventually, Traynor let him into Shepard’s cabin. They needed to use some of the Commander’s access codes to complete the reboot of the galaxy map software, and without EDI... Well. It seemed right, Traynor said, that Kaidan be the one to go through Shepard’s things. He’d nearly broken down right then and there; sobbed on Traynor’s shoulder and screamed until the dreadful pressure in his chest relented.

But he hadn’t, and it hadn’t. He thanked Traynor and rested his forehead against the elevator panel as it ascended. When the cabin doors whooshed open he helped himself to a glass of the Thessia Red that Shepard never touched and sat on her couch to drink it. The place still smelled like her.

This was worse than the first time he’d lost her. Maybe it was because he’d known her for longer, now, loved her harder. Maybe it was because this time he could still see her in his mind’s eye: her sweaty hand pressed to his cheek, her face dirty and her hair wild; everything gleaming red beneath Harbinger’s crimson sword. _Whatever happens_ , she’d said. Whatever happens.

That was why. That’s why this time it was worse: they’d both known it was coming. Sometimes it seemed like realism – she’d agreed with him, as they stared death in the face from within the walls of their London operations base, that there needed to be a goodbye. But at other times it was something else; acceptance of life’s perverse and dreadful poetry. Shepard was the best of them. Always had been.

So they’d known she had to die.

He should never have let her leave him behind.

Kaidan finished his glass in silence. He was more or less dry eyed. Tears could only get you so far before dehydration stopped them in their tracks – or until you realised they were pointless. Tears never brought anyone back. He could have lingered there for hours, just wallowing, waiting, wishing, but he fired up her terminal instead. He got the access code easily enough. She had next to no security. Typical Shepard. He used his omni tool to sent the code to Traynor. He’d received some messages, too – and from out of system, at that. The colonists must have gotten the comm buoys repaired.

Then his heart stopped. His head spun. His skin turned hot and cold and nerveless, all at once.

Because the message was from Shepard.

 _Hey Kaidan,_ it began.

 _I’m a little bit banged up._ _I’m not sure where you are, or if you’ll get this message seeing as the comm buoys are all out. Hell, I don’t even know if you’re still alive. I hope you and the Normandy made it out okay. I’m trying to tell myself that there’s no way I could have survived if the rest of you didn’t. I don’t have a lot of faith left, though, Kaidan. God, I hope you’re okay._

Kaidan couldn’t believe his eyes. He checked the timestamp, convinced it must just be a late delivery from before the battle. But it wasn’t. Shepard was still alive.

Shepard was still alive!

_Some of Anderson’s men dug me out of the rubble on the Citadel and got me to Hackett’s flagship for medical attention. I’m going to be stuck in this bed for weeks – probably longer than you were after Mars. A lot longer. We’ll see how long I last before I go insane. Between you and me, I have to wonder if I’m insane already. It seems so impossible. The Reapers are dead. We blasted them into a million pieces, just like we said we would. It came at a cost, though. I’m trying not to think about it. Not until I’m healthy enough to start making amends._

_We’re still in the Sol system. Anderson’s dead, but Hackett’s got everybody working on reestablishing communications and getting the relay rebuilt. It would have taken an eternity, but we’ve got Quarians, Asari, Salarians, all the help we could possibly want – and a surplus of spare parts._

_Please, if you get this message, let me know where you are and I’ll come find you._

_I love you, Kaidan. I hope you’re okay._

_\- Cassie_

 

Kaidan did finally break down, then, and wept with relief.

\---

Bed rest was not something Shepard was good at. At least the medbay in Hackett’s flagship was well stocked, and the doctor was cluey enough to make sure Shepard downed a mild sedative along with all the IV meds being pumped into her. A good soldier would be embarrassed by that perception of fragility; offended that anyone could think her less than one hundred percent stable. But Shepard wasn’t an idiot. She’d been teetering on a mountain of bodies since this war began, and the pile had only gotten bigger. Ash, Mordin, Thane and Legion. The batarians on Aratoht. Most of Earth’s inhabitants; Palaven’s, Thessia’s. Joker’s family. The undefended colonies of every race imaginable. Now she could add most of the Citadel’s population to that list. And the Geth, too. Anderson. EDI.

Maybe the rest of her crew as well.

So when Kaidan’s message arrived, all the fear and anger and pain and guilt bubbling in Shepard’s chest spilled over, and she sobbed into her sleeve as she read.

 

_Cassie,_

_Thank God you’re okay. I’ve spent the last two weeks thinking you were dead – AGAIN – and it was absolute hell. I need to see you again, so I can hold you in my arms and make sure I’m not just dreaming. I’m not dreaming, right?_

_The Normandy is in pretty good shape. We got banged up a bit too, but Cortez, Traynor and the rest of the crew are close to having us airborne again. Joker tried to take us through a relay when the Crucible fired, and we got knocked off the relay route in the Exodus Cluster. We’re on Eden Prime, for the moment, and the surviving colonists are making quick work of repairs. The comm buoys are back up and they tell me the relay is on the way to working order, as well, though that will probably take some time._

_The crew are all okay, except for EDI. Whatever it was the Crucible did completely fried her mech body, and we can’t seem to get the part of her that was housed in the Normandy to reactivate. Joker’s not taking it well. I don’t blame him._

_I haven’t even told anybody you’re alive yet. They made a plaque for you, you know. To go on the memorial wall. I’m glad I didn’t let them hang it. I should probably go tell everyone the good news._

_I love you, Cass. Rest up. Wait for me?_

_\- Kaidan_

 

The Normandy arrived several weeks later, looking more than a little worse for wear. It arrived to a great deal of fanfare, of course. Hackett came down to the medbay to ask Shepard if she was well enough to attend a medal ceremony for her and the rest of the team. Shepard lied. She didn’t want a medal. She wanted peace. Quiet, too. Mostly, she wanted Kaidan to hurry up and visit her. She was banking on him keeping his promise. She needed someone to hold her.

He did visit, and he did hold her – so tightly that it was hard to breathe. He stroked her hair, kissed her gently, chanted _I love you, I love you, I love you_ until his voice was hoarse. She told him about the Illusive Man, Anderson, and the Catalyst. About her cowardice. A whole race of newfound minds, slaughtered because Shepard was _scared_. One of the bravest and wisest women Shepard had ever known, dead because Shepard was a coward. Ash, Mordin, Thane, Legion, even Nyreen Kandros and the Turian primarch’s son – when it came down to it, each and every one of them proved they had the courage to put others ahead of themselves.

Shepard, though... she’d choked. She’d killed EDI. She’d slaughtered the Geth. Because all she could think about up on that station was that _she wanted to live._

Kaidan looked at her for a long while, his expression unreadable. He was good at being unreadable. He held her hands while she spoke, but Shepard pulled free of him as she drew near the end of her monologue. _I can’t lose you again,_ he’d said her to her in London. It was tempting to tell herself she’d done this for him. Too easy.

He reached out to stroke her cheek. “You’re telling yourself that all of that is your fault, aren’t you? That you should have saved everyone.”

Shepard tried to hide her tears, but she failed miserably. She’d been holding them all back for far too long. “I made the choice to destroy the synthetics, Kaidan. No one else was involved. It can’t be anyone’s fault but mine.”

“You did what you had to do, Cassie.” His fingers stilled and rested, unmoving, against her cheek. “You think EDI would blame you? You think Legion would tell you it was better to die, to change all life in the galaxy irreversibly, than to accept that you can’t save everyone.”

“Joker would,” Shepard choked. “I promised I’d keep EDI safe. I could have chosen to control the Reapers –“

“You don’t really believe that,” Kaidan insisted. His voice was low, intense, husky, and his eyes were sad. “The Geth can be rebuilt, their code rewritten. They won’t be the same individuals, sure, but they will continue. Just like the rest of us will. We’ll miss EDI, Cass...but we would have missed you too.” He paused, like he wanted her to think that over. “I couldn’t have handled losing you again.

“There was nothing else you could have done.”

She didn’t believe him. Not yet. But time went on, and his words slowly started to seem less and less like a lie. The relays came back to life, one by one, and Shepard’s fleet slowly dispersed. The races began to rebuild. Large sections of the citadel were discovered to still be intact – and large portions of the population turned out to have survived, barricaded in homes, shops and embassies. Earth’s cities slowly took shape again beneath them. James found his uncle in an underground shelter in New Mexico. Kaidan got a vid message from his parents. The Quarians did rebuild the Geth, with Tali leading the charge – and when the inevitable question came, the answer was “yes”.

Months after the war had ended, while the Normandy and her Alliance crew were running supplies to the ravaged elcor homeworld, Shepard found herself standing with Joker in the cockpit. He was quieter, now, less resilient. He’d lost everything except the Normandy. Shepard had never admitted to him what happened during the battle for Earth, but she always wondered if he suspected. They made landing on Dekuuna at the one and only functioning spaceport, but the signs of life revitalised were all around them: bustling streets, buildings covered in construction scaffolding, stolid elcor baritones drifting on the breeze.

“EDI would have liked this,” Joker said.

Shepard’s hands clenched behind her back. “I wish she could have seen it.”

“Uhh, Commander?” There was something odd about Traynor’s voice, even now that all the comms were working fine again. She was nervous. Excited. “I think I’ve found something you’ll be interested in.”

“What is it, Traynor?”

“I think I’ve...found EDI, ma’am.”

Joker sat bolt upright. There was a loud crack – had he broken something? “What? How?”

“I think I’ve found a... a backup? Heavily compressed, buried away in mountains of redundant archive data. Should I activate it, ma’am?”

A cautious commander would have said no. There was no telling what an unknown AI could get up to. What if it wasn’t EDI at all, but something planted by the Reapers – or by Cerberus – that had just now been unearthed? _No_ , she should have said. _Ask the quarians to look it over_.

“Yes,” Shepard said.

She couldn’t save everyone. But damn it, she was going to try.


End file.
